Really Random Twilight !
by SilyBeautifulOversensitiveGirl
Summary: So, I'm combining a bunch of ridiculous stories to make one big mass of Twilight nonsense! WOOH! once they were in my head I couldn't let them go. Prepare for crazy and R&R! Rated K for now... Chapter 4 is disturbing, you were warned.
1. Vampires and Tanning don't mix

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or anything to do with it, except for my Edward Cullen Fan club hat!!

A/N So this one was inspired by Caroline and I buying tanning lotion so we could be tanner! Umm, let's just say it didn't go so well…..

(It's white when you put it on!! How were we supposed to know how orange it would come out?? HUH!?)

(The monkey shout out is to Casey and her awesome FF!)

The Peculiar Effects of Tanning Lotion On Vampires

BPov:

I walked up the steps of the Cullen's house and knocked on the door. The sound of scuffling feet and doors slamming was my only response. Hmm, that's strange…..Edward always met me at the door. I opened the door and walked in.

"Hellooooooo!!" I called out

No answer. Ahh, here was an idea…!

"HELP!! Edward, HELP!! I'm being attacked by crazed vampires/ werewolves/ Mike Newton!"

In the blink of an eye my beloved was at my side.

"Bella! Where are they, Let me at em, Let me at em!!

Edward just looked around and when he finally realized no one was there he looked at me.

"Bella, uhh...I can explain!"

"Let me Edward, Let me!" Emmet squealed like a three year old

But all I could do was stare in horror.

The Cullen's were bright orange!

xxxxxxxxxxxx The Story (Emmet Style) xxxxxxxxxxxx

"It was night and since we don't have lives and have nothing to do crazy things tend to happen. I was having yet another arm wrestling match with Jasper and of course winning. Jasper was getting increasingly frustrated which was spreading to me to. So we were both pretty mad when Jasper decided to _cheat_ by using his abilities. Since I sadly have none, except for my good looks and huge muscles of course, I was at a disadvantage!"

Jasper just snorted at this part. All the Cullens had come down except for Rosalie.

"So he starts sending emotions of weakness and fatigue in my direction!" Emmet made a dramatic sigh before continuing. "Clearly I couldn't win under those circumstances—"

"Emmet, SHUT UP AND TELL THE STORY!!" the Cullens screamed in unison.

"Right, anyway, then we all hear Alice screaming at the top of her lungs, which she always does when she is excited, so it wasn't anything new. I told Jasper to go shut his wife up, but too late, she had called an emergency family meeting. So we all file into her room and she is just standing in front of these bottles of lotion. I look over at Edward and see he looks incredibly scared and is inching towards the door. I decided that meant I should be scared to. So between the feelings of fear, confusion and extreme excitement Jasper lay on the ground and started rocking himself back and forth like a deranged lunatic."

"Hey!" Jasper called out, being ignored by everyone else.

"Then Alice puts on her very adorable please-do-whatever-I-want-because-I-never-had-a-childhood face. "Hey everybody!" Alice called "I just found the most amazing product EVER!! You have to PLEASE, PLEASE promise me you'll try it!! It will make us all look sooo fabulous!" Everyone looked extremely concerned remembering the last time she had said that to them….." Oh, common guys, this is NOTHING like the waxing kit! Family shutters in unison. "Well, what is it then, Alice dear?" Esme asked sweetly.

"It's (long dramatic pause…) TANNING LOTION!!" Alice started screaming and bouncing up and down as we just stood there. "Rosalie you're always complaining about being pale and I know Emmet secretly wished he looked like The Rock Johnson! Common, guy's pleassssssssssssseeeeeee!! Alice begged.

I was actually starting to warm up to the idea, I mean once I turned tan nothing would stop me from taking on good old Dwayne and becoming even more famous and buff then he!! The rock Emmet…...Anyway, So me and Rosalie agreed and so did Jasper since he just a big pushover and incredibly passive. Esme agreed just to keep Alice happy. Only Carlisle and Edward looked hesitant. Carlisle finally gave in after having Alice stand right in front of his face and stare at him for 10 minutes straight. Alice flitted over to Edward and said "If you don't do this I tell Bella..."

At this point Edward jumped up and punched Emmet in the face so he flew against the wall with an earthquake like thud. He looked like a flying mutated pumpkin.

"What Edward!? What can't you tell me!!" Bella said anxiously

"Ahh, nothing , nothing" He said quickly

Emmet got back up with a laugh.

"I'll let you two work that out later" he said evilly" Back to the story, So Alice takes out the lotion and we all strip down to our underwear, which was interesting…...but that's for another time, So we each get a bottle of lotion and we squirt it out. It was white. So I asked Alice how come it wasn't a Copper Mahogany sunset like the color of The Rock. And, apparently, once it dried it would turn that perfect shade of bronze.." Emmet sighed and most likely went into a day dream involving an ultimate movie show down with Dwayne Johnson, which was kind of creepy.

Now Emmet resumed the story with an angry tone. "So we lathered it on and then…… (Another dramatic pause) about an hour later I hear a scream that beat Alice's any day. It was my beautiful Rosalie. So I ran upstairs to see what was wrong but when I opened the door Rosalie was bright orange with streaks on her body were she had missed rubbing it in. She looked absolutely livid. So what I said next probably wasn't the smartest thing… Rose what the crow happened to you! "Well, why don't you look in the mirror Emmet, your not much better!"

So I turned around and let out my own girlish shriek. Instead of a handsomer, stronger, younger and all around better Dwayne Johnson, I looked like I had eaten one too many carrots as a child. No, make that, I'd only eaten carrots my entire life!!"

At this point he gave Alice an evil stare from where she had been hiding in the corner

"I mean REALLY Alice, how could you not have seen this coming!?"

"Umm, my parents were mean to me as a child?"

"Not gonna work this time!" said an unusually aggravated Esme, with orange streaks on her face

As they all cornered Alice with pointy objects that had just magically appeared, Bella cried out: Wait, Edward, What don't you want me to know!!"

"Umm, Emmet, finish the story!" said a panicked orange Edward as they backed away from Alice.

"So that's basically the end. I mean, Rose locked herself in the room and refuses to see the light of day until all the stuff washes off and Alice is basically going to die in her bed tonight, but yep, just another uneventful night in the Cullen household."

Bella just sat there and then burst out hysterically laughing.

"That is the funniest thing I've ever heard!"

"So your not mad, love?" asked Edward

"Mad? Now I'm a centimeter closer to being equal with you!" Edward looked upset at that comment

"Well, whatever makes you happy…."He stammered The Cullens had resumed their stance of standing over Alice with the magically appearing and disappearing objects of mass destruction.

"Umm, let's go Bella...to the meadow, yeah, no one can see me there!"

They walked to the door when Bella turned towards Edward.

"You _are _going to tell me, you know."

"Umm, look monkeys!!"

"oooohhh, where??"

THE END??


	2. Songfic: Bring Me to Life

A/N: Hey, and welcome back! I actually hope someone is reading this and I'm not just pathetically typing it to myself…… Anyway, just so you all know, Edwards's secret WILL be revealed in later editions of this masterpiece! So keep reading…….!

For today we have:

Songfic: Bring Me To Life 

Emo Edward Edition!

P.s People, it really helps

if you listen to the song while reading this….

Third Person Pov

Alice opened the door to Bella's room and ushered her inside. Bella was blindfolded because, Edward was planning a surprise for her.

"Alright you can take it off now!" Alice said happily

Bella opened her eyes and saw Edward, wearing all black and skinny jeans, standing in the middle of the room. Everything else was generally the same except for the stereo behind him. And, wait a minute, was Edward wearing EYELINER!

"Uhh, hi Edward." Bella stammered

"Bella" he nodded. He was talking in a low creepish voice. "For your surprise, I decided to dedicate this song to you! I feel like it has deep philosophical meaning for us and our love!"

"Oh, how sweet Edward!"

Then he spun around with vampire speed and familiar music filled the room. OME! He was NOT singing—

_How can you see into my eyes like open doors? _

Edward was lip singing to Evanescence's Bring Me To Life.

_Leading you down into my core, W__here I've become so numb,_

_Without a soul_

_My spirits sleeping some where cold_

_Until you find it there and lead it back...home._

And just when I thought it couldn't get any weirder, Alice pops up from nowhere wearing black eyeliner and lip singing to the emo guy part of the song!! She looked incredibly creepy and was distorting her face and fake screaming into her fake glittery microphone (common, its Alice, guys)

_Wake me up!!_

Back to Edward:

_Wake me up inside_

_I cant wake up!!_

_Wake me up inside_

_Save Me!!_

_Call my name and save me from the dark_

_Wake me up!!_

_Bid my blood to run_

_I can't wake up!!_

_Save me from the nothing I've become_

_Now, that I know what I'm without _

_You can't just leave me_

_Breathe into me and make me real  
Bring me to life…_

_Wake me up!!  
Wake me up inside  
I can't wake up!!  
Wake me up inside  
Save Me!!  
Call my name  
and save me from the dark  
Wake Me up!!  
Bid my blood to run  
I can't wake up!!  
Before I come undone  
Save me!!  
Save me from the nothing I've become_

_Bring me to liffffeeeee..._

(Little Alice solo here)  
_I've been living a lie!!  
There's nothing inside!!  
Bring me to life_  
_Frozen inside  
without your touch  
Without your love, darling  
Only you are the life among the dead..._  
At this point he throws a picture of the super pale Cullens and Bella at Bella, as proof of his last statement, I suppose.  
(Another Alice solo)  
_All this time!!  
I can't believe I couldn't see!!  
Kept in the dark!!  
but you were there in front of me_!!  
_I've been sleeping  
a thousand years it seems  
Got to open my eyes to everythinggggggg_  
(a really disturbing Alice solo, yet again)

_Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul  
Don't let me die here  
This most be something mooorrrreee!!  
Bring me to life_  
( This song has been shortened for the viewers pleasure)  
…………..._Bring me to liiiiffffeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!_

Edward finished beautifully (?)

He then sunk to the ground with Alice as the music died out.

"Wow, Edward, that was……….THE MOST AMAZING THING YOU'VE EVER DONE FOR ME!!" Bella shrieked.

They then ran into each others arms and started to making out passionately, completely ignoring Alice's presence.

Alice picked up her glitter microphone and flipped on the stereo so it started playing Mitch Hansen's: She Is Brighter.

THE END!

**A/N wow, that was pretty bad. Flame away, I just **_**had**_** to write that once I visualized it…..**


	3. Jasper is Special Too!

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but I own the Jasper's squeaky horn!

A/N (menacing voice) Ok, listen up and listen good! I'm sick and tired of Jasper being shoved in the corner like he's yesterdays news, like he's a day late and a dollar short, like he's the pile of dirty clothes in my room, that I choose to ignore and shove into my closet! Basically what I'm trying to say is…He doesn't have a car! So I'm giving him one…..sorta.

Jasper's Special Too!

Jasper's Pov:

One day I was just walking along, minding my own business and whistling show tunes, when WHAM! I'm reminded yet again of my sad fate in this world.

I waltzed into the garage where Edward, Rose, Emmett and Alice were all standing.

"Hey guys! What's up?" I called cheerfully. Feelings of secrecy hit me suddenly, greatttt! Way to ruin my mood by using my unstable emotions against me!

"Umm, Hey Jasper!" Alice said. "Don't you have a corner to go be emo in?"

Typical Alice question. She was so sensitive to my feelings. NOT!

"Well what are you guys doing?" I asked

"We were going to go…for a ride." Edward said cautiously

"Yep, so see ya later!" Emmett called jumping into his jeep and speeding away.

The rest of the Cullens followed suite, leaving me standing in their expensive car dust.

Sigh, my life sucked. That was just another reminder of how Carlisle and Esme really didn't like me. I was constantly on the fringe of all the stories and adventures that happen here. I was marked as the _emo_ one, the one that _kept to himself_. Just an _extra _character! And, I mean come on, I don't even have a car! So I decided to go on a mission! A car mission! If I had one of the Cullen cars I would finally be accepted! No more riding with Alice in her obnoxious yellow car! I would have my own! The Jasper mobile, yeah that's cool! I walked into the house and found Esme tatting.

"Hey Esme!" I said.

She looked up and smiled and then immediately resumed knotting a row on her doily.

"I would like a car. Please." I might as well get it over with.

"Now, why would you want that, dear? You can always ride with Alice." She asked sweetly.

"I don't know. Everyone else has a car! I mean Edward even has two!" I started to whine. Stupid Edward being the favorite child.

Carlisle came down with a little bag of what looked like hedge trimmings.

"What's that Carlisle?" I asked

"Uhh, nothing, nothing!" He quickly shrieked throwing it out the window.

Okkkkkkk…..

"Can I have a car, maybe a green 612 scaglietti Ferrari, not that I put much thought into this…." I said casually.

"Well, Jasper, I would love to get you a car…but, umm, there's no room in the garage, yep, sorry, we just have too many cars…" Carlisle stuttered, shooting Esme a glance. They so hated me.

"FINE!!" I cried and stamped off to my room. "This is SOO unfair! Your ruining my lifeeee!!" I whined slamming the door.

Later that day, once I clamed down, I walked back down stairs. The house was dark. That was strange…. I walked out to the garage and all of a sudden:

"SURPRISE!" Everyone shouted.

I looked around, what was the surprise? Did they get me a car? All I saw was my family, their cars, and a junky sparkly green moped. Oh God, wait a minute….

"We felt bad leaving you out like that, so we got you your own motorcycle!" Carlisle cried joyously.

"Carlisle that is a moped, not a motorcycle…." I said slowly.

"Hmm, that's not what the used car man said…." He murmured to himself.

"Just be grateful, Ok Jasper!?" Rosalie said impatiently.

Then they all filed out leaving me with the proof of their hatred. There was even a squeaky horn on the handle.

Ahh, what the heck!? I thought and hopped on and rode into the sunset.

A/N Yay! Jasper's special now! I happen to think his moped is wicked awesome……

His sweet ride will make an appearance in Edward Get's a Job.


	4. Bella Meets HOBOKINS!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything that's worth living for a.k.a Twilight.

A/N Yeah, I'm bored with Edward Gets a Job, It's not weird enough for moi and I feel like being extremely random and psychotic, so this is a warning **, You really shouldn't even read this guys…**…it's going to be CRAZYYYY!! MWAHHahhahahaahaah (did I mention I love evil laughing??)heheheheehhehehehhe k, I'm calmer.

**This is based on a ****true ****story and ****true**** events! Brain cells may be lost!**

Bella Meets **HOBOKINS!!**

Bella's Pov:

"Lalalalalala" I sang as I walked into my basement that just magically appeared.

"WHAT HO, A FOE!?" I cried, there laying right in my presence was a long sharp knife!

"EDWARD HELP, HELP!!" I cried.

Edward magically appeared in his super ninja costume.

"What is it my truest love of all true loves??" He cried, clinging the gong of ninjadom.

"It's, it's, THE PLUMBER'S KNIFE!!"I cried. "Who could have sent me such a horror??"

"Oh………….no. Quickly, we must flee to the Good State of New Hampshire, we will be safe there!" Edward picked me up and we teleported to the good state of New Hampshire.

xxxxxxx In The Good State xxxxxxxxxx

Hobokins Pov:

I waited in my under water lair of EVIL with the plumber's knife and my water proof molestation kit. Oh, this was going to be good! MWAHAHAHAHA!

**Meanwhile, above ground:**

"Phew, we are safe from that evil plumber's knife and the creepy person who must have sent it to me! Who do you think it was Edward?"

"It was the dreadful man, HOBOKINS! It is rumored he lives in an underwater lair in Granite Lake, in this very Good State of New Hampshire!"

"But Edward, then why did you take me here?" I whined.

"Hmm, good question. I think in my delusional state of fear and panic I took you _towards _the danger." He replied. "Oooh, look melon umbrella's!"

"EDWARD!" I screamed. "Is he a vampire? I mean what kind of creature would send me…that thing!" I said getting more distressed by the second.

"No" Edward said slowly. "He's worse, he is ……………a HOBO!!"

DADADON!! (Dramatic horror music fills the air, random strange scream and throw themselves into pits of fire)

"But don't worry, he can't leave his lair ever, well, I don't think he can……" Edward said some what reassuringly. "Since we're here could we PLEASE get some ice cream and sit under the melon brellas!" He started to bounce up and down.

"SURE!" I said happily, forgetting the great peril that awaited us. ( and that Edward can't eat)

**Later that night:**

Edward had to go hunt so I was wandering the empty streets of Keene all alone. I could hear footsteps behind me and rather close rather loud breathing and the occasional cackle of Evil but thought nothing of it. I just then had the strange urge to turn around.

"AHHHHHH!!" I screamed.

Right behind me was HOBOKINS himself!! Shocker, right!!

He had a long knotted beard and long knotted hair. He was wearing leather vest, ragged shorts and leather strappy sandals. On his head he wore a sombrero of doom! But the worst part wasn't any of that; it wasn't even the molestation kit, no. The worst part was his Hannah Montana Number One Fannah Id pin!!

"NO!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!" I shrieked as he closed in on me.

"Oh, yes. I will make you watch all 220 episodes with bonus features! MWAHAHAHA!! Oh, by the by, I owned the evil laugh WAYYYY before that wimp Rico did, he totally ruined it!" Hobokins whined.

While he was distracted by the worst show on earth (besides Max and Ruby (stupid Bunnies!) ) soiling his trade mark laugh, a boy popped his head out of a stationary and soap store.

"Pssssst! In here!" he called.

I quickly ran into the soap and stationary store.

"Hey, thanks oodles! I'm not capable of coherent thought in this fanfiction, so thanks for pointing out this escape route!" I said wholeheartedly.

"No problem!" Benji said (because his name is Benji, guys.) (Hi Benji!) (You spell it sooo weird!)

Anyway,

"Look, he is still out there!" cried Benji.

I looked outside and saw that Hobokins was sitting on a bench directly in front of the store. He was staring straight at us, all that separated us was a brightly lit stationary and soap store doorway.

"On the count of three, let's run!" Benji declared.

"Alright…1, 2, 3!!" I screamed.

I ran out of the store screaming: MOMMY HELP!! MOMMY!!

Benji, who was all around swifter than I, sped past me.

Since I was to busy screaming and concentrating on not falling flat on my face I did not realize I was running straight into a group of New Hampshiran gangster's and their Rottweilers. (How do you miss that people, really??) When I finally realized savage dogs were jumping on me and gangsters were like "WTF, man!" I started screaming even louder and shoved past them all till I finally found Benji swinging from a lamppost.

I thought I had seen Edward bent over one of the dogs, and heard my name, but it couldn't have been him.

Edward's Pov:

I looked up from feeding on that tasty Rottweiler when I thought I heard the distinct scream of my beloved Bella.

"Bella!?" I called.

Nope, couldn't have been her.

Back to tasty town!

Bellas Pov (again):

What took you so long?" Benji complained as he continued to swing around the pole.

"Oh, nothing, quick let's get out of here" I said tiredly.

Suddenly Edward appeared.

"Oh, hey Edward." I called casually.

"Bella, I thought I heard you screaming…uhh….before." he said.

"Oh, well, Hobokins came after us but we escaped only to be stopped by a group of wannabe gangstas, but I'm ok now!" I said cheerfully.

"Alrighty, good! Let's go!" Edward said happily.

"Umm, Edward, I love Benji, I'm staying with him!" I cried passionately.

"WHAT! I thought we had something SPECIAL!!" Edward cried.

"Wait guys…" Benji interrupted. "I only like short blondes….sorry."

"FINE! Have Alexa!" I cried "Oh, well, come on Edward, let's go!"

So Edward and I skipped of into the sunrise

Meanwhile back at Hobokins lair:

Hobokins Pov:

"I was foiled this time, but NEVER again! I will catch Bella Swan if it's the last Hobo thing I do as a HOBO!!" I cried

Time to unleash the secret weapon.

"Prepare for…..DEMENTED MARY!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" I screamed as my precious secret weapon came up from the depths of my evil lair.

THE END!

A/n well, if you made it this far without severe brain damage, congrats! Everything in this story is 100 TRUE! Well, take out Bella and take out vampires and ninjas…….and Well, most of it's true! This story goes out to Sam, my bfflaeaae. I'll see you in the good state my friend. (we will defeat Demented Mary and free Peter from her evil clutches!!)


End file.
